IRISH EU REFERENDUM - ROUND TWO

Hiya! My Guv'nor Mr Screwtape has asked me to "communicate our forward-going strategy vis-a-vis the European project to our terrestrial partners". He had a difficult session with His Excellency The Boss who insisted that he "take on-board the new paradigm vocabulary". The Boss is not open to debate on this matter. He had a young lady from The Consultants with him - I tried to warn my guv'nor Mr Screwtape that if your Boss turns up with a young lady with long legs and a short skirt, then despite you having worked with him since the Relocation, it's probably best to just say 'yes', if only for the time being. After all, how often does The Boss come up here? Normally, he calls Mr Screwtape down to his office, so when he turned up here dressed in a double-breasted pin-stripe suit with a high white wing collar and patent shoes, talking with an Italian accent, it should have rung hell's bells. It wasn't a social visit - it was an inspection.

"'Miranda' teetered in, holding on to His Excellency's arm and giggling about her impossibly high heels. She had a picture hat on so you could barely see her eyes under the shadow of the brim and its long feathers kept arching over and tickling His cheek.

His Satanic Majesty asked to see the just-in-time scheduler so he could show Miranda the implementation of their software for HellCo. Apparently she's something in marketing and customization. Mr Screwtape said he'd reverted to the Almanac. The Boss parked Miranda on a low reception chair so that her lazy legs drifted out over the reception floor and her skirt rode up her thighs, hinting at stocking top. The new barely-there chairs and the mirrored-marble floor reflected her from all angles.

He began to pace the floor. His shoes appeared to hurt him and did nothing for his temper.

"Mr Screwtape, mon ami, we've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt."

Mr Screwtape looked mystified but before I could stop him, he said:
"I haven't got a child and you aren't married"

The Boss put his head on one side, nodded slightly and pulled a moue mouth.

"Screwey Tapey, what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your daughter" and here he pointed at me "would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you."

Mr Screwtape looked baffled "Oh, she's not my..."

Miranda was looking up at The Boss with her swimming-pool eyes. He could feel them, indeed, I felt them sweep over me and rate me as "level three, no threat, kill if obstacle" but Mr Screwtape seemed oblivious to them and their turquoise danger. The Boss would pull down cities rather than see his reflection in those eyes faulted. Mr Screwtape waved his almanac and began an explanatory lecture "You see, Sir, the advantage of the old methods is-"

The cool walls of the new reception dissolved in to sheets of flame and Miranda reclined on a raft of ice which floated on a lake of lava. Her feather shrivelled in the blast, but she was unhurt. The Boss kept his suit on, except for his shoes - which he ditched as the effort of that illusion was obviously costing him more than it might have appeared. Mr Screwtape was back to his old scorched pelt instead of the gay pirate's costume he'd become fond of.

"Go back to the old methods if you like, Screwtape, but this is no longer a nickle-and-dime organization scrabbling around for the souls of individual peasants in market places outside church walls. Operatives like you either move with the times, or you are even more history than you already are. If you want to remain Head of Contracts, you need to be a team player. Miranda is my new Head of Implementation and her company's software will deliver a new empire to HellCo with full surveillance and innumerable health benefits to the entire Human Race. We won't have to recruit them; they'll be hammering on the doors to get in. Let's see The Other Place compete with that kind of market appeal."

Mr Screwtape recovered something approaching his wits.
"You are being very reasonable about this, if I may say so, Sir".

"Yes, I am. Miranda - my new Head of Implementation, did I mention - has been coaching me in how to win hearts and minds. However, we can do this the unreasonable way, if you prefer."

"That won't be necessary, Sir."

"Good. I'm glad we had this little chat." The heat turned down gradually over thirty seconds and the glass-brick walls of the reception re-materialized. The furniture had moved round a little, but it was more or less the same design as before, except a bowl of promotional HellCo peppermints appeared on the reception counter. I dashed over to the water cooler and topped myself up. Mr Screwtape has asbestos skin, but mine is nearer to Miranda's and I could feel it drying and splitting.

On the barely-there counter was also a slim silver just-in-time scheduler. I opened it and a wall planner appeared, projecting itself up on to the icewall. A second window opened with an article from Bloomberg.

"Ireland will hold a second vote on the European Union’s new governing treaty on October 2nd after the government secured guarantees from the EU on issues such as neutrality, taxes and ethics, Prime Minister Brian Cowen said. The treaty was defeated by 53.4 percent to 46.6 percent in the previous referendum."

"Your job, Screwtape, is to Make Them An Offer They Can't Refuse" said The Boss

My guv'nor nodded but muttered "No regard for tradition. It ought to be 6.66%".

Seeya!

Debbie, P.A. to Mr Screwtape.

IRISH EU REFERENDUM - ROUND TWO